Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
