When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
