he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
