My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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