I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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