The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
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When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My vagina just clenched in fear
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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