I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is Oprah even human
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
