you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
