I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
