plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
