i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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