Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
