Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
