Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Girls should come with a carfax report
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
