I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
