Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
