Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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