I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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