I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
