I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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