I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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