Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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