And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
