i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
