you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
