apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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