what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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