laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
