If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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