And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
