My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
