how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
