you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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