I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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