totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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