i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
