i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
a search helicopter?!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
