I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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