so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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