I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Randomize
