please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
where are you?
Hypothermia
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
