alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The uberlube is also flammable
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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