She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
