alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I will pee on everything he values.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
