I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
