this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
