You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs