You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
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I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
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I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.