so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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