did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize