Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
