Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
from now on my penis is your penis
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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