I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dear god my vagina.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
