currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
