My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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