I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
