I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I came so hard my ears popped.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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