I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
