Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
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Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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